Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tina Fey for . . . Mom of the Year?

I adore Tina Fey with the same intensity with which I adore pork products. She's funny as hell. (I'm still not sure why she was ever considered an "unlikely" sex symbol. If she's unlikely, what with her brains, her humor, her sharpness, and her bangin' bod, I think the rest of us possessing a decent personality and even a small amount of wit should just give up. Now that everybody loves her, we may have to give up anyway since that bitch set the bar so high. But I really ought to end my parentheses now.)

So even though it's lights-out for me at 10:00 p.m. on my new schedule and I therefore missed her appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" the other day to promote the season premiere of "30 Rock" ("30 Rock" premieres tonight at 9:30 on NBC!), I caught it online and I have something to say.



While the Bristol-Palin-as-baby-sitter-for-Fey's-toddler bit was hilarious in itself, didn't Tina and Conan miss out on one very obvious punchline, i.e. that Bristol could have used the practice? Just sayin'.

Part 2 of the interview:

What's Wrong With Me If . . .

the first thing I think upon opening an email with a coupon and the following instructions from the friend who sent it to me is, "Don't tell me what to do!"

Print this out and take to your Origins store for free mini facial and sample products.

Oh, and I didn't do it, either. Yeah, suck it!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Something Smells Fish: Fresh From Today's Washington Post

One of the benefits of elective unemployment is the amount of time you have to do things you never used to do: go to the gym, figure out what "On Demand" is, shower as infrequently as possible, and read the paper.

Today's Washington Post had an interesting bit of news from Japan:

Toilets a Worry if Tokyo Quakes
Japan's disaster prevention panel said that nearly a million people would be unable to find a toilet if a major earthquake were to hit Tokyo on a weekday. The panel studied a simulation of a magnitude-7.3 noon-time quake in the capital.

Wow. Where even to begin?

1. WHY wouldn't they be able to find a toilet? (Jeez, Post, don't forget the W's of newspaper reporting!) Is there a toilet shortage in downtown Tokyo? Shouldn't they fix that now, before disaster strikes?

2. If all else failed, couldn't a Japanese person let go of decorum in consideration of the emergency, if only long enough to relieve him or herself behind a dumpster, or in a McDonald's?

3. Surely bottled water is a more pressing need in a major disaster. Do they intend to fill their water bottles from toilets? Is that the problem? Seriously, why toilets?

4. If the earth were shaking and you were huddled under your desk for protection, what could possibly make you think to leave shelter to seek out a toilet? Haven't you already soiled yourself?

Life In Batttleground State Virginia: It's Getting Ugly

I moved out of my NYC apartment and into the folks' place in Northern Virginia. I've been here for less than a week and am still playing catch-up. As the election was heating up mid-month, I got really excited about the idea of voting in Virginia (Battleground State!), where my vote could really make a difference. Unfortunately, I had already missed the Virginia voter registration deadline and I was stuck having to arrange for an absentee New York ballot. That hasn't stopped me from taking part in all the indecisive fun here, though.

Last week when I crossed the American Legion bridge into Virginia, I saw the usual old-school welcome sign:

Really, Virginia? Really? Do you know it's 2008?

Below it were symptoms of this fine state's -- er, commonwealth's -- indecision: a McCain/Palin sign and an Obama/Biden sign, right next to each other. The further into Virginia I drove (and I had about 11 miles still to go at this point), the more campaign signs I saw, not only for the number one office but also for House and Senate races. They are EVERYWHERE here. And it doesn't stop there. Every time the phone rings it's a campaign worker urging Fairfax County residents to vote one way or the other. (Apparently McCain's recorded voice itself has called here, but I haven't been home for that.) Worse yet, the other night some dude showed up at our door! Now I have to be surreptitious in ascertaining who's knocking at the door so as not to alert them of my presence within. It's either that or make a scene. I almost told the mailman to get the eff off my property today. (See, that's funny because it's not my property. And because he's the mailman and he has what I want.)

Then of course there are the TV commercials. In New York I saw the occasional TV ad for Obama or McCain, but here you can't pass a single commercial break without at least two political campaign ads. And they're getting ugly. A popular (read: ubiquitous) one now -- which is not endorsed by John McCain -- features an empty oval office chair (um . . . so what? We're used to that.) and narration from Scary-Voiced Dude reminding us that "this crisis" will be Obama's first. Scary-Voiced Dude doesn't stop there. Oh no. He also insults Americans, chiding us for considering electing "one of the most inexperienced candidates" ever to this high office. So now in addition to being terrified I'm also being reproached. Nice.

Another anti-Obama ad, this one approved by McCain, focuses on Joe Biden's foot-in-mouth ("Oh wait, guys, I meant tongue-in-cheek! See, it was all just a silly misunderstanding!") blunder. I mean, when Biden gives them material like that, these commercial-maker guys don't even have to work! They just print the highlights of his speech across the screen and have Scary-Voiced Dude announce at the end that Barack Obama is "untested" and "dangerous" and they've got advertising magic!

Having just moved to the Old Dominion, I don't have much of a handle on the local House and Senate races, but their ads are no less ruthless. My favorite -- and I don't even remember whom it promotes or whom it slanders -- ends with the following: "[Candidate's name here]: too corrupt, even for Congress." Classic! Because, you know, the candidate the ad promotes has juuuuust the right amount of corruption for Congress. A regular Goldilocks.

But they're not all malicious. Some ads just don't say anything. A current Obama ad begins with the senator narrating, "John McCain wants to scare you. I want you to know what I believe." The next 26 seconds are chock-full of idealism regulated by a steady hand, a firm resolve, and a warm smile, as close to aw shucks as Obama is ever going to get. But does it promise anything? No? And it doesn't slander the other guy either? Bo-ring. That's the thing, see. Obama is out-spending McCain by oodles (that's a precise mathematical term) on TV ads, but I can't seem to retain the content of any of them.

With the election less than a week away, I'm looking forward to seeing what kind of final-stretch antics are pulled out. McCain doesn't buy into the polls, so Virginia is still very much up for grabs in his mind, and he wants it. Obama wants it too. But we Virginians don't show our hand easily. See, being wooed may get old, but being a tease never does.

NFL Weeks 7 & 8: Brett Sighs With Relief Upon Learning I Didn't Watch

Your guys are wearing WHITE, J.T.

It wasn't a great couple of weeks for Brett Favre, according to the stats. (I confess again to not watching, although my access to more than highlights has been essentially cut off.) In Week 7 against Oakland, he threw 2 INTs and 0 TDs. Ouch. Last week against Kansas City, where the Jets at least pulled off the win, he threw 2 TDs and 3 INTs. After Week 8, he's at 15 TDs and 11 INTs.

All I have to say is this: Thank GOODness for J.T. O'Sullivan. He's pacing Brett on INTs (they're tied for most in the league), but he has about half as many TDs. (And that dude plays for my favorite team. Boo.)

Monday, October 13, 2008

NFL Week 6: Still Not Really Caring

Brett threw 2 INTs and 1 TD against the Bengals. The total is 13 TDs and 6 INTs. But more importantly:


WHY does Belichick insist on wearing that silly sweatshirt?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Brett Favre Interception Watch: Weeks Three, Four, and Five? Oh, Who Cares!

I just got back from Hawaii! I've been far too busy to think about Brett. I had very important things to do, like hike, swim, eat, and drink. (He's doing great, by the way -- 12 TDs and only 4 INTs!, and he's sporting his best QB rating ever. I'm being proven wrong week by week, and that's okay with me.)

Back to my trip! I landed on Thursday evening, September 25, and was pretty much a goner. I think I was in bed sometime just after 8:00. The next day, Friday the 26th, I also took it pretty easy. I went with my aunt to the beach at the Sheraton Kauai (it's one of my favorite beaches anywhere) and we had lunch and drinks there. Exhausting! That night we took in the Kauai Mokihana Festival's hula competition. Most of the rest of the days were more exciting and deserve their own posts, which will come in due time as I'm spending the next 5 days packing up my apartment for my move home. Regression is a good thing!

(I'm in full-swing Elective Unemployment mode. I called to change my address with T-Mobile and the overly-perky customer service agent asked me if I was getting ready for the weekend. Honestly, I didn't even know what day it was. I think my silence made her uncomfortable. I seem to be getting worse at coming up with something to say on the spot.)

Usually when I visit Hawaii I'll go to more than one island, but this trip was only Kauai, just like I needed it. Kauai is a very special place for me and I inevitably suffer while there from nostalgic fits of Why-Don't-I-Live-Here-ness. So what exactly is so special about Kauai, you ask? Here's a very brief listing:

1. The wildlife. There actually isn't very much that's native to Hawaii, compared to other places. A lot of wildlife (and especially a lot of flora and fauna) was introduced both by the Polynesians who settled the Islands and the nasty Westerners who conquered them. The two introduced creatures that thrive on Kauai today are the wild chicken and the wild pig. Yup, very exotic, I know. Here are our barnyard friends:

My how their crowing is a bother at 2:30 am.

The big one is actually chasing the little one to get his food.

There are also Hawaiian monk seals in abundance sunning on local beaches and green sea turtles ("honu" in Hawaiian) in droves off the south shore of the island in Poipu. These guys are probably a little more special but somehow less novel to tourists.

A sea turtle! I swear he's there!

2. The buildings. Kauai's law mandates that no building can be taller than the height of a mature coconut tree (approximately 48 feet). We noticed when we spent some time at the Marriott that it was obviously built before this law took effect as even the tallest trees were shorter than the Marriott's towers. Anyway, an example of a Kauai building of typical height (but atypical message):

Soon, hopefully, is relative.

3. The terrain. Kauai is home to Waimea Canyon (the "Grand Canyon of the Pacific"), Kokee State Park (which houses the world's highest-elevated swamp, called Alakai, and several giant Redwood forests among other natural wonders and indigenous bird species), Mount Waialeale (alternately called "The Wettest Spot on Earth" and "One of the Wettest Spots on Earth" depending on who's fact-checking), and the Na Pali coast with its rugged cliffs and famous Kalalau Trail (which I did, and which conquered me). I'm always blown away by the diversity of the terrain. Where else can you get arid landscapes, barking sands, tropical rainforests, lazy freshwater rivers, dramatic sea cliffs, a painted canyon, all the tropical flowers you'd ever want to see or smell, huge waves for surfing, acres and acres of rich farmland, tower-like waterfalls, pristine beaches, and over 400 inches of rain per year all on one island?

Mahaulepu, on the dry south shore

Waimea Canyon

A ginger grove in the forest

Redwoods in the tropics!

Poipu sunset

Lumahai beach on a turbulent day