Thursday, July 31, 2008


I'm absolutely terrified of choices. I don't have a problem with accountability, but when it comes to decision-making, I shut down. This deficiency has caused me to spend too long doing something for which I have no passion. My fear paved the way for complacency, and complacency became so pervasive and insistent that it seemed obvious and irreversible. Hearing myself talk about this (or worse yet, thinking about it) filled me with such self-loathing that I began to feel I deserved to be stuck. Then a recent series of good things that happened to other people jarred me. It dawned on me that my sense of self had become negligible and my desire to reclaim it was waning; my stasis was not security but avoidance. With all this in mind I have decided to make a decision, but now comes the hard part: deciding on the decision.

What should I do? Where should I live? Should I go back to school? If so, for what? There are too many CHOICES. This is the burden of the young and privileged (and indecisive): we have every opportunity in front of us, every advantage in our favor, and it's up to us to screw it up. I'm well-educated, I have transferable skills, I'm full of curiosity, I have a wonderful group of family and friends supporting me (believe me, I'm thankful), and I have the chance -- and means! -- to re-make my life. For most people this must be exhilarating. For me, it's terrifying.

Hi. My name is Brooke, and I was an Art History major.

No comments: